maybe ohio state marching band can play some zedeco type music when in louisiana to kick lsu’s but…

Later that year I moved to the neighboring "city", the one with both a super-walmart and two whole grocery stores! Unfortunately soon after we moved there my mother had a brain aneurysm and died about two week before hurricane Katrina, I began living with my older brother. Within another year right before I started high-school we moved to the far south suburbs of Chicago were I continued both my Catholic school education and my lie. Finally sophomore year I accepted who I was and what I thought was my doomed fate to be an outcast…….then it was just a matter if and when I would come-out.

Nearly two years pass without me saying a word about it but it was constantly on my mind *what if I slip? Will I be able to lie for ever? *. It was the beginning of senior year which meant I would have to go all the required 4day religious/bonding retreat with 30 other guys from my class……which I was kinda dreading by this time in my life I had given up all of my old faith. I thought I would be just like all of the other retreats I had been to over the years, we would talk about Jesus in our personal lives read some bible verses and eventually go home bored, how wrong I was. First of all you weren’t allowed to know where the retreat was, the time of day or what would happen next…….my first thought was brainwashing cult……my second thought was brainwashing cult with cool-aid, luckily I was wrong. First we got settled into out rooms we weren’t sure we would have until we saw them, then we went to a large room with a podium and a large group of candles in the center of the room *for a cult ritual!* no it was much more innocent. We began hearing speeches they started of normal, the first one explained that the bonds made a this retreat would last forever and that everything that took place there should remain our life long secret, then they all became disturbingly personal and viciously truthful as both student leaders and teaches told of some their most intimate and traumatic life events. one student leader told of how he use to cut himself(he had the scars to prove), others told about abuses they had suffered, one female teacher told about being raped another about her former cocaine and sex addiction…….it was all so shockingly honest and emotional it went on deep into the night until nearly dawn, then we were told we would all be sharing the next night. As scared as I was I knew despite the consequences, despite the fact I was at a religious retreat I would have to reveal the very thing I had been hiding for years, to do otherwise would be to betray all those who had shared and those who would share. I spent all day trying to write it trying to plan out what I would say when it was time to start the speeches I barely had a thing written…..we all had to turn in our paper to our student group leader(who had already been on the retreat) so that they could read it to themselves to make sure it was appropriate( but if rape and cocaine were what wasn’t). Of course my group lead

What did your group leader do? It’s still an interesting story.

Anyhow, mine isn’t that interesting; but here goes … . I’ve always been aware I was only interested in guys but never admitted it to anyone, including myself. I tried to pray it away and tried to be interested in girls and even watched "straight" pornography in hopes of somehow changing myself to no avail. Eventually, I don’t remember how but, at 15 years old, I ended up watching the show "Queer As Folk" during summer break, and, episode-by-episode, I gained more confidence, thinking maybe accepting "it" isn’t as bad as I’d lead myself to think. The same summer, I had Confirmation camp where I truly admitted my gayness to myself AND accepted it, which felt like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. In that moment, I decided I would no longer deny it should anyone ask me my sexual orientation. However, it wasn’t until autumn, in school, that the first person asked me what I like (obviously I answered truthfully). Now, four years later, I’m still the same well-adjusted guy and have never had problems with anyone about sexuality.

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(Cooking) 8.5 x 5.5″, softcover, 36 pages, stated second printing. Fine condition.

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