| Excepts from actual court cases... Judge:
The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole
my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
birth too.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other,
and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the
other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else
drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that
had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with
yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the
navel.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my
case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I
address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a moron, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days
in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a moron?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against
thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a moron.
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